Batman and the Big 2-0

"The lion of self-discovery is meant to kill that dragon whose every scale reads 'Thou Shalt.'"

-Joseph Campbell, American mythology professor

I'm 20. Finally. And surprisingly, I'm ok with that, even a few days in. I never thought I would be. Ever. Really. I was horrified, like there was this big double-digit beast looming over my head like an unavoidable plague, a final affirmation that I am, in the eye's of society, an adult without the drinking privileges, a number whose inherent diction vanquishes the very notion of teenagedom with a big fat "T." Being the baby all my life, I've grown accustomed to being last for everything. The last to vote, the last to get a license, the last in the alphabet if we're playing that game. So like a ticking time bomb, I've watched my friends become adults. Over and over and over, again and again and again. And I was horrified, like a ticking time bomb, my youth was just clicking away, and - BOOM! - there it was, gone. Or so I thought. Watching your friends turn 20 is actually a lot worse than turning 20 yourself. Instead of feeling, well, like I thought I would feel, I feel quite at peace with it, quite calm, quite proud to be an official 20-something.

However, a lot like creativity, a lot like New York, a lot like creative life in New York, a lot like life in general, being 20 is still a mystery to me. A beautiful, thrilling, inspiring mystery that is more a expedition into the unknown than a search for the key to it all. After a month of getting my feet on the ground, and after a rather epic 3 day jaunt of sitting on the edge of a panic attack and avoiding subways and calling in sick to work to listen to Kid A and journal and figure my shit all out, I finally feel like I live here. It's not home by any means, but it's homey, homey as in when I was sick and it was raining I could grab my umbrella and walk down to the corner CVS and love the feeling that I'm here and nowhere else. But I'm still very much figuring out this place, figuring out my place in this place, figuring out my place in this world, in this art, in my own skin. But what I've gained here so far is this new sense of being ok with that. Of not knowing what the future holds, of not knowing everything, and just letting that go and hitting the ground running with what I have. I've always held firmly that art is the process of self-discovery, which, in reality, is to know that you'll never really know yourself, but to just soak in all you can about your being and your experience and somehow placing that in the world and constantly let that evolve into something beautiful and honest for that world you live in to see and learn from. And now, suddenly, my thoughts of everything I hold in artistic value are being thrown for a loop, and that is fucking exhilarating. Because not only do I hold the notion of self-discovery, I feel it, I live it, I am it. So as I search for my creative voice, I feel like I know me, know my strengths, know my weaknesses, and I can say, "This is me." It's like I'm Batman, and I have this whole great big utility belt ready to go, and now I just get to jump around Gotham City looking for how best to use it. So I'm more open to imagination than ever before, learning about all these great things like Anne Bogart's Viewpoints and writing scenes and reading Dylan Thomas plays - things are falling into place from that.

And nicely enough, all this started happening the week of my birthday. I was in the rain in New York City and I said to myself, "I'm glad I'm here and nowhere else." I got into Advanced Fiction Writing. I learned I was going to assistant direct a show. I finished up a grant on storytelling. People are telling me I'm really good at what I do. So all in all, I feel affirmed in why I'm here. NYC is fueling me, encouraging me, inspiring me, telling me that I can and should be doing what I want to do. So being 20, for me, is throwing caution to the wind, entering a new world of self-discovery with the maturity of a young adult who is still searching for what that title actually means. And I kind of like that.