Lettuce: The Anti-Drug

I have been at school for more than a month now. There are numerous things I could have blogged about - Dog Shits, my superhuman ability to craft a flying squirrel costume from a Wal-Mart towel and an inordinate amount of safety pins, and people who steal/fuck/kill chickens, all in that order. (Watch "Pink Flamingoes. Or don't, actually. Defecating on screen is less humorous than expected.)

But only one thing, my friends, has brought me back to the blog.

Recently, slightly intoxicated and dressed in pastels, I found myself off to the Pink Party at the Pink House. (Which, FYI, is the same house where I park my car, and also the same house where Ben Folds used to live, putting me one degree closer to the singer. But I'm already one degree away from Ben, considering the fact that I already met Darren Jessee, so I guess that just gives me two, distinct degrees of separation of Ben, or maybe it just forms one, communal "Blow Ya' Mind, Fuckas" degree of separation, but none of this is really important to the story at hand.) My friends and I hopped on the P2P to make our way to the night's festivities, only to find a man in the back of the bus cradling a head of lettuce. I thought maybe it was the vodka talking, but after much confirmation from my fellow passengers, I concluded that there really was a man in front of me cradling a head of lettuce, preparing me for what is surely to be one of the oddest exchanges of dialogue I will ever have the opportunity to witness between two people.

P2P Driver: "Sir, please bring the lettuce to the front of the bus."
Lettuce Kid: "Dude, it's just lettuce."
P2P Driver: "Sir, bring the lettuce to the front, now. I will not continue driving until you hand over the lettuce." (P2P Driver stops the bus)
Lettuce Kid: "What?"
P2P Driver: "SIR! LETTUCE! FRONT! NOW! I don't think your fellow passengers will appreciate you holding them up!" (P2P Driver stands up, walks to Lettuce Kid, takes lettuce)
Lettuce Kid: "Sorry."
P2P Driver: "Thank you." (P2P Driver returns to the front, jamming the head of lettuce between his seat and the wall of the bus)

Then a semi-riot broke out from a group of frat guys in favor of lettuce freedom, but the P2P Driver just sat in silence and listened to his Fergie and pretended not to hear them.